Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
