i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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