I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
