So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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