Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
