The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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