i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
