I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
