mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
