i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
