Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
