so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
only you would photoshop your dick
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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