hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
