Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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