i don't like sucking hair
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
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