I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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