Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
