I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
