you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
