It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
