I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
