I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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