I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Randomize
