my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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