and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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