u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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