I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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