Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
