i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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