The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
