No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
