This is not my ceiling
my phone needs a breathalizer
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
