Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
