i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Randomize
