She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
