So drunk its hurt
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
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You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
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