I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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