i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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