It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
