I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
