I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
