he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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