Who wears a wallet chain?!
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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