sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
