How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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