I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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