Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
