If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
