Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
