3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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