Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
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I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
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He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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