It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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