Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We just shotgunned beers for America
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
