why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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