i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Randomize
