I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
