then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
23 Absolutely Despicable Things That People Have Actually Done
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
25 Disturbing Facts That Will Make You Question Everything
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions